“responsible” adults leading “successful” lives. It's not your fault. In our modern societies, we’re often told and taught to leave our childish ways behind and become mature, responsible, and respectful. While we do need to tend to our responsibilities, like caring for our physical body and getting our needs met, we also need to realize that the child side of us is not an enemy or something to be ashamed of. We need that part of us just as much as we need our current selves. Our inner child is a part of our subconscious, molded by our environment and experiences, and it is the part of us that dictates our relationships and how we behave in many situations in our lives.

The whole point is to gain compassion for our inner child and understand the reasons it reacts to situations in certain ways. It’s not about "fixing" it, but about helping and healing it, because we are not broken. We are now the sole providers for our needs; we are no longer helpless children who were at the mercy of our primary caregivers. We now need to learn to reparent and support our inner child, loving them with unconditional care and compassion.

I have been wanting to write about this topic for some time, and I believe this is the best time to do so. This month, in our new monthly theme, we’ll be exploring the self, and it starts here. We'll dive into how childhood experiences affect us, what having a wounded inner child looks like, and ways to heal and care for that part of us. It is important that we look at our inner child as the foundation for our adult lives and a guide on how to become more authentically ourselves.

The Wounds That Shape Us

Childhood trauma isn't only severe abuse; it's truly anything that reduces a child’s ability to cope with a situation. Experiences like psychological, physical, and sexual abuse, bullying, family dysfunction, unstable environments, injuries, and abandonment can profoundly impact a young mind. The weight of these experiences affects overall self-worth, trust, self-esteem, and perception. These experiences create an internal dialogue that sounds like this: “I’m not worthy,” “I am useless,” “I am stupid,” “I have horrible luck,” “Nothing good ever happens to me,” or “I am not safe.” None of this means there’s something wrong with you; rather, there are wounds that need to be healed.

The Path to Codependence

When we experience these early traumas, we have a high chance of developing codependent tendencies. In reality, I believe that we all experience some level of codependency, as none of our upbringings were “perfect”. We are flawed, and so are the people who raised us. As children, if we were forced to grow up fast—to take care of our siblings or parents, or if we weren’t able to have our own feelings and emotions—this can lead us to the extremes of hyper-dependency or hyper-independence.

When we are hyper-dependent, we tend to rely on others for everything, from gauging our self-worth to meeting all of our needs. We rely on external sources and tend to people-please. When we are hyper-independent, it is very similar, but we do not rely on anyone for anything. Neither extreme is healthy or helpful when trying to establish healthy boundaries and a true sense of self. Your caregivers may never have taught you what healthy boundaries looked and felt like. As children, we tended to take on the behaviors and traits of our caregivers, a normal behavior that just isn't helpful when we are trying to understand who we are on a fundamental level.

The Foundation of Attachment Styles

Our early relationships with caregivers, from as early as birth to around seven years old, determine our attachment styles—how we show up in relationships. We learn how to get our needs met, our sense of self-worth, and how to communicate with others. This part of our lives significantly impacts our subconscious and how we function with others. There are four main attachment styles:

• Secure Attachment: We have healthy boundaries, feel safe relying on others, and feel fulfilled in our own ability to provide for our needs. We see ourselves as equal to others and inherently worthy.
• Anxious Attachment: We tend to people-please, abandon our boundaries, seek external validation, and second-guess ourselves. We see ourselves as less than equal and do everything we can to provide for others in hopes of being loved. As children, our caregivers may have unintentionally taught us that we had to earn love.
• Avoidant Attachment: We tend to have solid walls instead of boundaries, seem needless and wantless, and fear getting close to anyone. We see ourselves as outsiders. In childhood, we may have had caregivers who, in some way, expressed that our needs or wants were wrong.
• Disorganized Attachment: We have both anxious and avoidant traits that show up as hot-and-cold behavior. We have walls and also no boundaries; we have needs and wants, but also deny them at the same time. We tend to want intimacy but also fear it. This stems from inconsistent caregivers.

As you can see, each experience shows us something, and as children, we soak up that information as how things are.

A compassionate note for caregivers and those who were children (hint, hint, all of us): If you are a parent or guardian and recognize some of these things, please know that this is not a sign of failure. We all do what we can with what we have in each moment. We are not here to point fingers and place blame on our primary caregivers. They, too, were doing what they could with what they had. We are here to learn and grow into the people we know we can and will be. You can use this information to forge a new path that allows both you and your children to heal and thrive.

What a Wounded Inner Child Looks Like in Adulthood

When we function as adults with open childhood wounds, it can look like chaos, or rather, a dysfunctional human. What I’m about to describe doesn’t cover the full scope, but it should at least provide a baseline to start with.

We may overreact to the tiniest things, like slight inconveniences that are easily workable. This may appear on the outside as an adult throwing a temper tantrum, but in reality, they’re in crisis mode on the inside, feeling confused and possibly even betrayed. This type of reaction can also be a symptom of perfectionism and a harsh inner critic. I personally used to identify with perfectionism and would have my own overreacting moments when the things I did turned out to be anything less than what I initially wanted. This worry that what you do is never good enough and is subpar can clearly lead to a spiral of negativity and negative thoughts.

We may also have the tendency to people-please, in fear of being disliked or abandoned by others. When we people-please, we abandon ourselves and communicate to our external world that we should be treated like a doormat. This typically comes with a great difficulty setting boundaries, so you say “yes” when you want to say “no.” This can stem from a deep-seated fear of abandonment and the reality that your needs and desires are not valuable or worthy of attention. These behaviors are detrimental because they constantly pick at the worthiness wound and enforce the belief that your needs aren’t important.

Another manifestation is an intense fear of abandonment, which can show up as either clinging to unhealthy relationships or pushing people away before they get too close. The inner child fears being left alone, so it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy to try to gain some form of control over the inevitable pain it anticipates. In essence, it's a "get them before they get you" approach to love and relationships.

When you begin to recognize yourself in these behaviors, it’s not a sign of failure. It is simply your inner child trying to protect itself with the limited tools it learned in childhood.

A Moment of Grace: The Unspoken Truth

If you're sitting here looking at the screen like, "Damn...," just know you are not broken! You never were. You, like many of us, are only doing what you can with what you have. As children, we did whatever it took to stay safe, alive, and to persist. We built these tools—albeit dysfunctional ones—to protect us from the "threats" of our reality. When we grew up, we found that these tools no longer served us, and something needed to change. That's why you're here, right?

Know that you are not alone, especially in this realization. When I was about 20, I realized the things I was doing did not serve me, but the lesson didn’t fully set in until I was 23. I’m 26 now, and I can tell you that those old tools still keep coming up, and clarity keeps hitting me. This process is intense, and it's like peeling the layers of an onion, slowly and methodically.

Taking this part of your life by the reins and sitting with it is a powerful first step in learning how to recover from your childhood. You being here is a beautiful thing that signals to your body that you are ready for something to shift, change, or flip. You are not broken. You are learning how to function again in a healthy way that serves you and your highest good. This comes with the reparenting and taking care of your inner child and protecting that part of you with healthy boundaries. This is where you offer unconditional love, compassion, and support to yourself.

Reparenting: A Return to Yourself

When we begin the journey to reparent ourselves, we tend to get overwhelmed with all the things we think we need to do. The truth is, there isn’t a set list of things that need to be accomplished; rather, there is one big thing that will actually benefit your whole being, not just your inner child. That thing is your mindset. Specifically, the mindset you have toward yourself and your perceived flaws.

This begins with forging deep compassion, love, and trust for yourself. You need to recognize the unsavory ways you talk to yourself and the false stories you keep telling yourself. When you recognize the falseness and see where you can lighten up and allow yourself to be human, you will start to make more strategic and informed choices. This act of acknowledgment is a crucial first step in the reparenting process.

Unleash Your Imagination and Creativity

The next thing we can do to aid this acknowledgment is to lean into our creativity and unleash our imaginations. Our minds are beautiful and powerful, and our imaginations allow us to reach new heights in the healing process. Tapping into our imaginations helps us to co-create with the Creator and truly understand how things make us feel. To our minds, thoughts, memories, and visualizations with strong emotions are no different from them actually happening.

So, if we are able to get specific and fully embody the reality we choose to adopt, we can begin to improve our lives. I love using my imagination to transport myself to places I wish to call into my life and the relationships I wish to have. One of the ways I use my imagination to help with pain and difficult experiences is by imagining the cause, even if it’s only surface-level, and looking for lessons I may have missed. Doing this while keeping in mind that everyone is just doing their best helps me to rewrite narratives where I was the “victim.” That allows me to take back my power and put myself in the seat of creation.

I also use my imagination to embody what it would feel like to achieve my goals. It isn’t the how and when that I am manifesting, but rather the energy that will bring me that much closer to my goals. Having and holding that energy is crucial in creating the life you desire because it aligns your vibration with the thing you want. The most important thing about this technique is that you cannot get hung up on the outcome, because what you have in mind might not even be what the Universe has for you. The point may simply be to lessen the pain and to provide you with a strong foundation for the next stages in your life.

Boundaries for Your Inner World and Outer World

To protect the energy you’ve cultivated, you need to learn how to effectively set boundaries with yourself and others. “Boundaries with myself? What are you talking about?” I’m glad you asked. Remember your negative self-talk, the rehashing of negative narratives, and our friend the ego, there to keep us “safe”? We need to be firm in our resolve to show up for ourselves. Our egos want us to stay stagnant and the same, even if that is not healthy, because in the inner workings of the ego, it’s more important to know what’s going to happen and have some form of control than none. Unfortunately, for our egos, control is an illusion.

Just as I mentioned earlier, “how” and “when” are not up to us, but we can take actions “here” and in the “now” to benefit ourselves and align our energy with the life we crave. We mustn’t let our egos keep us small if we are striving for better; it’s just not possible to thrive if we are confined. That’s where the boundaries come in. It’s not easy, but it is truly rewarding to recognize that we are thinking or behaving in a certain way and to correct it.

Now, with people, it can be even more difficult, especially if you're a people-pleaser. But the same principle applies here: we are trying to protect our energy. I have written quite a bit about boundaries in previous posts, and I have an in-depth section in Radical Self-Love is Your Deepest Trust. The point is to have firm, yet fluid boundaries, as they need to be able to grow and develop as you do. When you decide to enforce boundaries with others, you are ultimately deciding what you will and will not tolerate from them. This gives you the power to get your needs met in a healthy setting. Boundaries are not there to bully others or close yourself off entirely, but rather to communicate your needs. If others choose to disrespect your boundaries and your needs, you can begin to spend less time with those people. And you don’t need to explain anything, because you’ve already communicated your boundaries.

Celebrating Small Wins

Each time you are able to do these steps, even if for just one second, celebrate, because there was a time when you did not do these things for yourself. Each step toward your goals should be celebrated, because life is too short to only celebrate the “big” wins. The small ones matter, maybe even more than the big ones. They pile up and create ripples through your life and allow you to step into that energy we talked about cultivating earlier. In the act of celebrating these wins, big and small alike, you will begin to change the inner landscape of your mind. Your self-talk will become more positive and uplifting as you pursue the energy over the outcome. Your mind is so powerful, and it’s high time you made it work for you and your dreams, and not against you.

Conclusion: The Joy of a Fully Integrated Self

When we take the initiative to care for our inner child and become friends with ourselves, we embark on a powerful journey full of ups and downs. It is not easy, but it will become more so as you begin to trust yourself. Each step, whether perceived as backward or forward, is there for you to learn more about yourself. The Creator knows what you energetically align with and when. Give your trust to the process and lean into that inner child; it will lead you to a more healed and whole version of you. We are not in a rush, and we will be learning more about ourselves as time goes on and as we age and develop further. With each decision to investigate our reactions, behaviors, emotions, and external reality, we get that much closer to returning home. We become even more authentically ourselves, we learn how to give ourselves the love, care, support, and attention we crave from others, and we become more secure in our own bodies.

This act of reparenting is a massive act of self-love and self-care. Your inner child just wants to feel safe, cared for, loved, supported, and special, especially if your childhood didn’t reciprocate that for you. Reparenting yourself will lead to a more fulfilling, joyful, and authentic life, allowing you to attract more of what you desire and deserve. So take the initiative and show up for you, with all of you, and provide your inner child with the proper care and support they so desperately craved.

With that, our adventure for today comes to an end.

My goal is simply to be a vessel, sharing the lessons and insights from my own path in the hopes that they may serve as a guide on your own. If this message found you at just the right time and resonated with you, I consider our connection a profound success. Whether our paths cross just this once or intertwine beautifully, know that I am here as a comrade and a friend on this journey.

I truly hope you feel seen, supported, and hopeful as you continue on your way. You are welcome to share your thoughts in the comments below or reach out directly to me. If you feel called to support this work and its mission, you can find the donation page linked in the site's footer. I look forward to connecting with you on this magnificent adventure.

With Love and Light,

Jamelah Luckett