rescue. There is no way to get away from the work; you need to put in the effort yourself. Last week, we looked at our inner child, how they function, and how we can support them. This week, we'll dive deep into boundaries—a fantastic, almost magical act of self-love created to uplift and inspire us to continue showing up for ourselves. For many of us, boundaries were not something we were taught in childhood, so we have broken, rigid, or nonexistent boundaries that do not serve us. The reality is, living life with messed-up boundaries is like sleeping on the floor your whole life. When you finally have whole, complete boundaries that you're not afraid to enforce, you will know what it's like to sleep in a bed with full support.

Now that we've set the stage, let's start by defining what boundaries really are, and what they are not.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Boundaries are more than just saying "No"; they are what you will and will not tolerate. That’s it. They are invisible and not often tangible, but they are very much real, like the air we breathe. It is difficult to recognize them until they are crossed, which causes you to feel something in response. Often, you feel betrayed, resentful, drained, or even dread. This is important to realize because those feelings are your body's way of telling you that you are bleeding energy—your precious life force.

Boundaries are for you, by you, and more often than not, only benefit yourself. They are not there to control others, to bully them, or to make them feel some type of way. They exist to keep you safe, first and foremost. This is not an act of selfishness, though it may feel that way at first. In reality, it is a form of self-preservation and a crucial act of self-love. By taking the time to identify what triggers these draining feelings, you empower yourself to protect and defend yourself.

Now that we've defined what boundaries are, let's explore why they're so damn hard to enforce.

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard (The Inner Child Connection)

In childhood, many of us didn’t have examples of healthy boundaries. Our parents or caregivers often didn’t display them, leaving us with no baseline for how they should function in our own lives. This can happen when caregivers overshare emotions, expose you to adult topics or experiences, or rely on you as if you were an adult. These experiences caused us to develop unhealthy boundaries of our own, which now creates difficulties in our relationships, our interactions, and with ourselves. We learned that we were not worthy of love, or that we needed to prove our worth to others to deserve it.

This wounding shows up as people-pleasing, self-sabotage, a deep fear of rejection, and a constant feeling of inadequacy. In practice, this looks like saying “Yes” to things you really want to say “No” to, ignoring your urge to deny services, or even hanging out with people who leave you feeling drained. For a deeper understanding of the causes of these childhood wounds, you can refer to my last two posts, Your Inner Child and You and You Are Not Broken.

Clearly, this is a problem, and the only true way to heal these wounds is to build boundaries and step into our true power. But it can feel daunting, even impossible, when we are so afraid of upsetting others or being rejected if we assert our needs. These fears tie directly to the wounds mentioned above and can significantly impact our quality of life. Just know that these feelings don’t make you broken or wrong; you are only human. You are meant to experience these emotions to teach and grow you as a person, even when it feels difficult and discouraging.

When you learn how to set and enforce these boundaries with those closest to you and with yourself, you will gain the knowledge and ability to enforce them with anyone. It’s like building a muscle: it takes time and repetition, and at first, it hurts like crazy, but the gains are undeniable. After a while, the burn is less and more fulfilling, and you actually learn to love the soreness and discomfort because of the progress you're making through the process.

Types of Boundaries: Defining Your Personal Space

Emotional Boundaries: Protecting Your Feelings and Energy

These boundaries can be difficult to set, but what you need to know is that other people’s emotions, reactions, or expectations are not your responsibility—they never were. The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that other people "make us feel" a certain way. Truthfully, we are human, and we choose to react in the ways that we do. I understand this may seem strange after I said you should take note when you feel drained by others. I promise you, I’m not being hypocritical; I am just being honest. We often feed into the delusion that other people make you mad, sad, angry, upset, happy, excited, or even betrayed. The truth is, no one has that much power over you unless you give it to them.

To take that power back, we set boundaries. Our first thought or reaction is typically uncontrollable, but what we do next is what gives or keeps our power. We need to set boundaries with others’ emotions so that we do not take them on. You have the right to walk away from overwhelming or underwhelming emotions. You can express your distaste for them and how they affect you, and then remove yourself from the situation. Or, if expressing it isn't possible, just walk away. The other person may ask why, but if not, that’s a sign they don’t really care, or maybe they are too nervous to reach out. I believe people deserve a second chance because we are not perfect, but that also depends on the severity of the transgression.

When people expect you to do everything they ask, you need to be upfront and tell them what you are and are not available for. It is not our duty to do everything others ask of us; just like they asked us, they can ask someone else. If we keep doing what they say because we feel obligated, we will become resentful over time. It is important to stay true to ourselves and remain in our power.

Physical Boundaries: Honoring Your Body and Space

This boundary is related to who you allow in your personal space, who you allow to touch you, and your personal comfort levels. You have every right, regardless of how you look, your identity, your social standing, or anything else about you, to deny others access to your person and personal space. You determine who you're comfortable being around, who touches you, and how they touch you.

If you feel good around someone, you get to decide how you continue to interact with them. It is not up to the other person, unless they don’t vibe with you, and that’s their boundary. You will not be everyone’s cup of tea, because we are all independent-thinking, feeling, and experiencing beings.

You have the power to decide if people can touch you or not, and how they touch you. There is no negotiation here. If you don’t like hugs, you don’t need to give or accept them. Not everyone deserves the opportunity to touch you because when we touch, we exchange energy. The oxytocin we receive from physical affection is evidence of this. We don’t even need to touch hands in a handshake, and in some cultures, it’s taboo to touch people you don’t know.

Gauging your comfort levels should be pretty self-explanatory; your gut will scream at you when you feel uncomfortable. Its literal job includes keeping you in your comfort zone. Take the time to sit with your feelings and see if you feel comfortable or uncomfortable with others. If they feel like home to you, then spend more time with them. If they feel uncomfortable, then spend less time with them.

Time Boundaries: Valuing Your Schedule and Focus

For me, these are some of my most difficult boundaries to enforce. The most important thing here is to recognize your obligations, how much time you need to complete them, and when they need to be done. You can then figure out how much time you have for leisure, personal time, or self-care. This way, you know what you have time for and what you don’t. Each obligation deserves your full attention, and setting aside time to do so shows respect for yourself and your commitments.

This also shields your energy from burnout. If you keep telling others you can do things you know you don’t have time for, it brings resentment, exhaustion, and leaves you prone to burnout. It is important that you don’t expend more energy than what you have. Each day, we have energy to do what we need to do and usually not much more than that. We start to run ourselves ragged when we do more than we can in one day. There’s nothing wrong with being tired at bedtime from a fulfilling day. But there is something wrong with being exhausted from bending over backward for others at your own expense.

Mental Boundaries: Defending Your Thoughts and Beliefs

Mental boundaries are for protecting your thoughts, beliefs, and opinions from being dismissed or challenged disrespectfully. While our thoughts aren't all our own, we get to choose how we take and interpret them through non-judgmental observation. This is where we set boundaries with ourselves and recognize when we go down mental paths that are detrimental to our well-being. Whether that be negative self-talk, self-deprecating thoughts, negative spirals, or catastrophizing, we ultimately get to filter what comes into our minds and what we focus on. It can sound daunting if you’re used to a constantly active mind, but with time, you can learn to quiet your mind and actively monitor the opinions and beliefs you take on from other people.

Externally, we deserve to protect our beliefs and opinions from others. That doesn’t mean never sharing these thoughts, but rather knowing when it’s appropriate or worth the effort. Some situations just don’t require you to share, especially if you know the receiving party is against them and it’s just a casual conversation. However, if a boundary has been crossed, you need to stand your ground. It all comes down to respect. If someone is being disrespectful and essentially bullying you, then take the time to respectfully tell them why they need to back down, or simply walk away. Walking away is the equivalent of "no." Don’t feel any need to explain or entertain disrespectful energy.

Financial Boundaries: Respecting Your Resources

To be honest, this is probably my second most difficult boundary to enforce, but I’ve gotten so much better at it. You should obviously take care of debts as quickly as possible, even if that means forgoing some of life's pleasures for a period. I have also learned not to just give or spend money on family, even if you feel like you owe them. If you don’t have it, they don’t get it.

When you share finances with others, make sure you actually want to do so; just because you get married or are in a domestic partnership doesn’t mean you have to. If you do, realize that both of you need to agree on what the account is used for, who can make withdrawals, who can put money in, and who keeps track of the balance. Many fights happen over money, but when it is clear who can do what with the account, those can be cleared up immediately.

When it comes to lending money, you don’t need to lend to anyone if you don’t have it or if they have a tendency not to pay you back. You can even set a budget for how much you lend to others each month if you find yourself being overly generous. The same can be said for spending. Keep a budget for free spending on yourself and others; this way, you don’t take from necessary or future expenses. When we take that time to set aside money for these things, it creates peace of mind and allows us to learn how to budget efficiently. You work hard for your money, so why would you just throw it away into the void?

 Recognizing Your Boundary Needs: Listening to Your Inner Compass

Your inner compass is the most crucial tool you have in this entire process. It’s the voice or feeling that comes up when you feel resentment, exhaustion, or overwhelm. These feelings are often signals that a boundary has been crossed or is needed. It’s important to take note of when these emotions come up throughout your day. Some things will come up in cyclical patterns, while others are in response to specific situations. The whole point here is to notice the relationship between your initial reaction and what was happening at that moment.

This process will help you identify your non-negotiables and learn what makes you feel disrespected and what true respect looks and feels like for you. The work of reflection can be intense, but this is where 40% of the work of implementing boundaries truly happens. A powerful tool you can use is journaling, or simply taking the time to answer a few prompts to get your mind thinking about where you stand.

One of my favorite prompts is:

• What "negative" emotions (anger, jealousy, sadness) do I often suppress? How can I acknowledge them healthily?

This prompt allows you to identify your triggers and learn how to handle them with grace. It leads to setting boundaries with yourself and others and helps you during the readjustment period as you learn and grow.

Now that you know how to recognize when a boundary is needed, let's talk about the practical steps you can take to set them.

Practical Steps to Setting Boundaries: Your Toolkit for Self-Love

When you set your boundaries, you need to be extremely clear on what they are. This is for you to know exactly where you draw the line. If you don’t know what your boundary is, then how can you possibly implement and enforce it? For example: "I will not tolerate people who disregard my opinion when they ask for it." This is a clear boundary that even a child could understand. When blatant line-crossing happens, this clarity allows you to confidently identify it and act upon it.

Communicate Calmly and Firmly

You also need to be able to calmly and firmly express these boundaries. If you show up in the moment to express them hysterically, angrily, or timidly, your message may not be fully or honestly received. It is crucial that you show up for yourself with a clear head, calmly, and with confidence. This is why it’s best to start small and work your way up to bigger, more unique boundaries. Building your confidence through this process is a natural side effect, not a prerequisite. Confidence is a muscle you build, just like enforcing the boundaries themselves.

Consistency Is Crucial

Your boundaries get more real and tangible the more you consistently enforce them. Consistently showing up for yourself expresses to yourself, to those around you, and to your subconscious that this is something you actively want to pursue. This is crucial for making them effective in your life. If you fall off and stop, that’s okay. Just start again. It’s okay to forget in the moment, especially when it’s a strong trigger.

Practice Self-Compassion

In these moments of struggle, it’s important to provide yourself with compassion. Like a parent to yourself, pick yourself up, bandage your wounds if need be, and try again. You are doing this for you! You are learning and growing and becoming your own best friend.

Dealing with Pushback: When Others Resist Your Growth

Just like putting on sunscreen, no one is going to be offended that you value protecting your skin. But unlike sunscreen, some people may be hurt when you stand up for yourself, especially if they are used to using you however they see fit. If you've never enforced boundaries with these people before, it’s likely they will eventually get over it or exit your life. And what you need to realize is that you deserve people who empower, uplift, and cherish you. You do not deserve people who masquerade as allies only when you do what they want. Those people are not your friends, family, or allies—no matter how long you’ve known them.

As you begin to set boundaries, it’s important to remember that their reaction is not about you, honey; it's all about them. People I’ve known my whole life, some even there at my birth, are no longer in my life because they disrespected me way too many times. You are worth the fuss, and you are worthy of unconditional love.

Holding Your Ground

You have to stand your ground and remain calm and steadfast in your resolve. Setting boundaries is for you to live a better, more fulfilling life that will uplift you and raise your frequency to where you're meant to be. It’s as easy and simple as saying “No,” because “No” is a full sentence that should not be challenged. Just like simply walking away from a situation or person is something that is absolute.

You don’t need to sit there begging, pleading, and crying for someone to understand why you don’t tolerate something. We just need to be firm and consistent. Some people will never understand, especially if they don’t have boundaries of their own or simply don’t care. It’s okay to lose people who do not uplift and cherish you. It’s okay to learn to lean on yourself in times of difficulty. In fact, using boundaries and practicing self-compassion will teach you how.

Conclusion: The Freedom of Defined Space

We’ve come a long way together on this journey. We've learned that boundaries are not about pushing people away, but about protecting our peace. We've traced our struggles with boundaries back to our inner child, listened to the wisdom of our inner compass, and explored the courage it takes to stand our ground. This practice can feel daunting, but remember that every "no" is an act of self-love, and every moment of consistency builds a muscle that will serve you for a lifetime.

Ultimately, setting boundaries is about creating a life that is defined by your values and fueled by your energy, not by the demands of others. It’s an ongoing practice that brings with it the freedom of a defined personal space—a space where you can finally rest, grow, and be your most authentic self.

Remember, you are the most important person in your life, and the one who will be everything you need in the way that you need.

With that, our adventure for today comes to an end.

My goal is simply to be a vessel, sharing the lessons and insights from my own path in the hopes that they may serve as a guide on your own. If this message found you at just the right time and resonated with you, I consider our connection a profound success. Whether our paths cross just this once or intertwine beautifully, know that I am here as a comrade and a friend on this journey.

I truly hope you feel seen, supported, and hopeful as you continue on your way. You are welcome to share your thoughts in the comments below or reach out directly to me. If you feel called to support this work and its mission, you can find the donation page linked in the site's footer. I look forward to connecting with you on this magnificent adventure.

With Love and Light,

Jamelah Luckett